Tag Archives: pain

The Price of Independence

There’s an old saying… money can’t buy you happiness. Alright, yes, I think we all know this particular saying, and got that by the time we were in high school. Being passionate and loving, connecting to nature, our brothers and sisters, our inner sanctum, and core soul, as well as embodied in spirit cannot be purchased outright. Not at all. However, there’s this thing called life. Life as we live it, experience it, interacting with people, places and things. Our feelings, nothing more than what we give, receive, play, eat, make love to, speak to, and listen to. Quite amazing I must say. When you are young you have a picture imagination in full detail of how a love story should feel like when you grow up, but then, you grow up, you have cute little puppy love, going steady, square dancing moments, big green fields with laughter, joy, and pure innocence. Nothing hurts, nothing cuts like a knife. So magical. Like flying a kite over and over again, and that wonderful deep butterfly drop in your stomach, and exhilarating sensation you feel when the wind beneath the diamond sail in the air takes your kite, as you hold onto the handles with your cute little hands, to the next level in the sky and you hold on tight as if though you are in flight up there in the air so free and a steady control which feels so wonderful. What happened? What happened to that innocent feeling of freedom, being in love, yet in control, with certain magical lift that should happen like mother nature taking its course. You see, we are all different in our looks and what we like. Therefore, our receptors that receive and interpret words and or actions from others are different as well.
I guess what happens sometimes in relationships, if there is a misunderstanding or argument, certain individuals tend to throw things in your face, instead of talking about the actual incident, or what occurred to cause a bit of friction for the time being. At this young and very delicate time in my life, the decadent, chubby, all glorious and big 80s, this on and off again type of verbal abuse caused collateral damage in my heart and soul. Do you ever wonder why most individuals fight like that?
I found myself, so many times, for so many years in the passenger seat, while being driven home, being told of all the things wrong with me, and in the same verbal assault, all the things done for me, and I always had fear, anxiety, and of course tears that I swallowed. God, by the time I was dropped off, the incredible sadness that just cuts deep into the soul and spirit was within me. I asked myself time and time again, “Why do people say the things they do, what makes them feel that certain way, if only you could turn and walk away, damnation would be left for those who stayed.”” DON’T CRY.”
Here my friends, is where I started to have a two moon conjunction, that thing about “money can’t buy you happiness”… For me when money was spent, when I gave it, shared it, spread it around, put it where the mouth is to silence weapon like words, to see the joy on the face of others, I figured it out. Paying for a limousine not only buys you your very own mobile apartment with all amenities, including ice. This concept, this rental agreement contract also includes a gentleman who happens to be your very own chauffeur, that opens and closes your door, says “please, may I , and thank you.”Takes you anywhere you want, for as long as you want. The best part no verbal abuse, and that only money could buy.
Soon would begin my journey and the price of independence.

to be continued… A View From the Back Seat

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